I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Randomize
