Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
