I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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