Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
