my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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