So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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