Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
