I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
