and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
