I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
