people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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