the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
