just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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