he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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