Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
