I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Randomize
