Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
