we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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