i was born a porn star she said
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
It's never too late to be topless.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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