ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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