i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
