Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
