He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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