I wish my penis had an off switch
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
