Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
