i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
