oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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