She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
