She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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