you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Oh god it's open bar.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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