Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
