I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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