just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
