I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
