I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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