I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
