and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
