need another drink. this is the easiest way
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
