i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I'm determined to sit on that face.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
