dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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