I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
