I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
