I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
