i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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