well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
