I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Buhtt sex?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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