I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
