glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
