tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
