I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
