Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
