Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
