I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
