I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
