You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
