Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
So squirting runs in the family.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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