and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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