She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
