if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
