I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
