i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Im part way to drunk.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
