i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
