She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
